Dear MariellaRelationshipsA woman whose boyfriend dislikes her parents is worried about their future. Mariella Frostrup says that even though his own parents divorced, learning to cope with others is part of growing upThe dilemma My boyfriend strongly dislikes my family and I don’t know what to do about it. He and I have been together for eight months now and I’ve really fallen for him. We have a great relationship, but there is this recurring problem to do with our different backgrounds. I come from a fairly well-off family and we’re very close. We’re not excessively wealthy, but we have been blessed with a comfortable upbringing. This is in stark contrast to my boyfriend’s family. They never had a lot of money, his parents went through an ugly divorce when he was growing up and now he doesn’t have a good relationship with them. My parents live abroad so my boyfriend has only met them twice, but both times we have travelled to see them and then stayed for a while, so it has been pretty intense for him. Since then he has admitted he just doesn’t like my parents. I love him and don’t want to lose him. I’m worried about how this could impact on our future.
Mariella replies You’re right to be concerned – not that your boyfriend needs to enter into a lovefest with your parents for you to stick together. He’d be a rare find indeed were he to declare unadulterated delight in his in-laws. You’d probably need to check his alcohol levels or psychiatric history. The unfortunate truth is that most mature adults find their own parents annoying, let alone their partner’s. Liking and tolerating are two entirely separate sentiments.
I don’t expect your boyfriend to like your parents, though I am fascinated as to why he’s not even pretending. I do expect him to endure them with good grace on a semi-regular basis. Learning to cope with the idiosyncrasies of others is part of growing up and essential in any long-term partnership, whether it’s your spouse, your in-laws or your offspring who are causing you concern.
Once upon a time happiness was a rare treat and nobody expected an easy life unless they were ne’er-do-well heirs to large fortunes. These days happiness is regarded as an inalienable right, which goes a long way to explaining why, despite being blessed with copious bounty compared to previous generations, we are so much less satisfied.
In a recent interview with me about his new novel set around family courts, the novelist Ian McEwan commented on the ease with which we shrug off commitments and drag innocents in our wake in the name of personal fulfilment. We put an enormous premium on personal desire. It’s sobering as we celebrate the unimaginable sacrifices of our countrymen and women in this anniversary year of the Great War. Intolerance is endemic and whether it’s colleagues or friends, partners or parents, we know what we like and we won’t settle for less.
In the 1960s, off-loading centuries of crippling social expectation was a revolutionary act that required courage and determination. Nowadays pleasing ourselves is our most popular pursuit. We have forgotten that joy without suffering is like a tomato without salt – simply not the same experience.
The freedom to share your feelings is a cornerstone of any relationship, but your boyfriend also needs to tolerate your parents. As you point out, he’s one of the lucky ones – his in-laws live abroad so he won’t be expected there for Sunday lunch every week. He must, however, come to terms with their importance in your life and therefore in his.
As for the fact that your parents are better off, I’m concerned that you think this explains his less healthy relationship with his parents. Perhaps this slightly patronising sense of privilege, echoed by your parents, is what’s causing him irritation? Money may smooth our path in life but I’ve yet to see an example of it buying happiness.
Finally, relationships may be kickstarted by personal pleasure, but they’re very much about teamwork. There has to be compromise and consideration, support and tolerance, along with the adrenaline highs of sex and passion. Keeping tally of whether the pleasure is equal to or exceeds the suffering is a good rule to employ. If your boyfriend isn’t open to the challenges of maintaining that equilibrium it might be him, not your parents, who you live without.
If you have a dilemma, send a brief email to mariella.frostrup@observer.co.uk. Follow Mariella on Twitter @mariellaf1
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