Dear MariellaRelationships This article is more than 13 years oldDear Mariella
This article is more than 13 years oldI'm in love with a married Muslim man, who has four children. He says he's no longer in love with his wife, but he can't divorce her. Is he playing games with me, or could this lead to a serious relationship?THE DILEMMA I've known this guy for about a year and a half now (he is Muslim/Yemeni and I recently converted to Islam). He shows me so much love and affection and he's there when I need him. We always have fun together. The only problem is he's married and has four kids. He is 29 and his wife is 23. They married really early - when his wife was 15 - as is normal in their culture, and he could have four wives. His family is very strict and they would be disappointed if we married. He's not ready anyway, because he is working for his dad. If his father were to kick him out of the house and the business he wouldn't have any money, so he wants to wait until he has his own thing going, then we could get married. He claims he's not in love with his wife and that they don't have sex any more. I fall asleep with him on the phone every night and I believe him. His wife knows that he is cheating because she does his laundry and smells my perfume, so she will not sleep with him any more. When I asked him to divorce her he said he can't, because she is his cousin and the mother of his kids. Do you think he is playing games with me or do you think that this could lead to a serious relationship?
MARIELLA REPLIES Now let me think … For heaven's sake, if you haven't read through your letter and woken up to what a silly girl you are being then I'm not sure there's much I can do to help you. I don't care if he's from Yemen or Warrington, whether he's Muslim, Christian or Hare Krishna, he's got about as much backbone as a python and is similarly lethal. This man isn't just inconveniently married, he's had sexual relations with a child (regardless of whether it's his culture, that is against the law in this country), and now he's the father of four young kids himself.
Let's pretend for one fanciful moment that he actually is serious about leaving his wife and family, rather than just one day adding you to his harem: how can you justify the damage you will be doing to the innocent victims of his philandering? Do those children not warrant a moment of consideration? Does that poor bride deserve the scorn of her community for the shame of having her husband leave her? You might also like to consider what sort of man would be prepared to put his family through such an ordeal.
Your absence of a moral compass on these issues is something you should be seriously concerned about. I'm presuming you embraced Islam for the sake of your lover, as you appear to have little care for the teachings of the Qur'an - you're breaking just about every commitment you made when you took on the faith. Whether it's sex before marriage or his adultery, your current behaviour makes poor Muslims of you both. In Yemen, women are stoned to death for such "licentious" behaviour, so thank your lucky stars your "crime" is being committed over here. I'm certainly not condoning such Stone Age punishment but trying to make you understand the enormity of your actions.
Responsibility is not always pleasing to embrace, but with no sense of your own culpability your life is a rudderless ship, drifting with no purpose or control. He blames his family for his marriage, and palms you off with promises that you can get together officially once he's set up his own business. His self-indulgence and immaturity are matched only by your own. If he cares so much for his culture he should stop desecrating it by "fornicating" with you. As his wife is his cousin, and therefore an integral part of his extended family, will she not always be of concern? He seems to want to have his cake, eat it, and then help himself to a little bit more.
You are allowing this man to treat you with a lack of respect matched only by your own apparent absence of self-esteem. Don't hawk yourself off to a partner who offers you nothing, when there are plenty of men out there who come without his container-full of complications. This man is not your boyfriend, he is not your fiancé, and I'll put money on him not becoming your husband.
You are young and impressionable and need some sensible people in your life to steer you away from a liaison that will only bring you unhappiness, and maybe worse. You have nothing to be ashamed of for falling in love so long as you now set about extricating yourself completely from this dreadful quagmire.
READER RESPONSES
A fortnight ago Mariella looked at the dilemma of a man who had moved his family to the US to further his career, and then fallen in love with a colleague. He thought he had never loved his wife, but was worried that a divorce would upset his children. Here are some readers' web posts:
You need to reconsider your damning view of your wife. Whatever your differences, she is the mother of your children, and any relationship you have moving forward will require maturity and respect – either in marriage or in divorce. PIPHOORAY
If this guy has really fallen in love with another woman and does not follow his heart, his children and wife will forever sense his unhappiness. It is likely to manifest itself in ways that will only create more dysfunction. MISSY 1980
Is it just me, or is this guy the most tasteless, misogynistic slimeball who's ever written to Mariella? I feel nothing but sympathy for victims of this man's actions. LEFTYFIREBRAND
I want you to note that guilt has a very nasty habit of rebounding. The tide is way out. The tsunami is coming. URSI
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