Sexual healingRelationships This article is more than 5 years oldSince we married, my husband and I live as friends – not lovers. What can I do?
This article is more than 5 years oldWe had a healthy sex life, but as soon as we tied the knot it stopped. We have only had sex three times this year and I worry that this is more than a phase
I married my husband almost four years ago. Until then, we had a healthy sex life, but it switched off overnight. I put it down to me (an English woman) marrying a Sikh man and moving in with his rather traditional mother. But although we now have our own home, we still rarely have sex (we have managed maybe three times this year). I love my husband, but feel as if we are two friends living together. I have addressed this with him many times, but he refuses to see it as a problem. He says we just need more time, but I worry that this is more than a phase.
You may be experiencing the effects of cultural differences between you and your husband, and both of you would probably benefit from having a detailed discussion about this. Attitudes towards sex – and the role of sex within marriage – vary from culture to culture. Sometimes, those from societies where, say, marital sex is regarded only as a means of procreation find it hard to understand other styles of intimacy (and vice versa). But people generally tend to follow the patterns of formal coupling they gleaned from their parents, so your husband’s sexual frugality may reflect a behaviour he learned within his family.
Do not assume the problem is only cultural, however, because many things can reduce sexual interest – including living with parents, but also depression, loss of a job, money issues, low self-esteem, stress, anxiety, relationship issues, the side-effects of medication and a host of medical conditions. Such possibilities need to be explored with your husband and perhaps addressed more formally with outside help. Loss of sexual interest is not only sad for the partner; it can be a warning sign that something else requires attention.
Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a US-based psychotherapist who specialises in treating sexual disorders.
If you would like advice from Pamela Stephenson Connolly on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions: see gu.com/letters-terms
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